It was a late January evening. Looking back now I was deeply grieving. I thought I had grieved as much as I could possibly grieve but over the course of weeks, I got lower than I had ever been. In the moment it felt like numbness and confusion. The future was terrifying and unknown. I had no vision for the coming year, no word or goals. I forced myself outside to walk for just a few minutes, quickly noticing that the wind was bringing deep gray clouds straight towards me. I laughed with some dark humor noticing that the dismal scene in front of me matched my spirits, but with my first steps I was also talking to God and making clear how frustrated I felt. I couldn’t hear him at all when I needed him most. The silence had been deafening and I couldn’t take another minute without pouring out loud how mad I was that he wasn’t speaking. While I begged for anything from Him, anything at all, it starting blowing a cold, driving rain and I laughed because there was nothing more suitable in that moment than the addition of bitter rain. I came to the end of the lane and turned around. That’s when I saw the view in this photo. It was stunning, just jaw dropping! I had never seen a rainbow like it.
As I took those first few steps back to the house was when I heard His voice… “I know. You don’t get to see what’s coming. But I promise I’m coming with you. I’m still here. I haven’t left. I’m coming with you every step and I won’t leave you and I won’t forsake you. I’ll be right here with you the whole time.” Suddenly I could breathe a little deeper. It was enough. It was the word from God I needed to get me through the coming 18 months. I came back to it again and again. It was my rock and my touch point when nothing else made sense.
Then two weeks ago I head out on a Saturday morning for a drive to my parent’s and see a vivid double rainbow that looks practically identical to the one I saw 18 months ago. But this time every inch of sky is filled with a glorious tangerine infusion while it spits rain. I remembered that day in January last year and the promises I heard whispered to my heart. All the way down I-81 God and I chatted. I remembered his faithfulness to keep those promises, wondering if maybe this morning of glorious color and light was a sign of things to come that day.
A week earlier I shed tears while lamenting that it felt like we would never see the sunshine. I had big weights on my back and everything seemed hard. I was just so incredibly weary. Honestly, I still am. However, that Saturday afternoon after watching a rainbow filled sunrise in the morning a big prayer was answered and by the following Thursday a second big prayer was answered. Was this breakthrough? Was the sun going to start shining? Or did he just want me to be reminded of a few important things? I have no idea. Even mentioning the word breakthrough makes me fell rather Bapti-costal.
There are some things I am sure of. I know he still sees me. I know he’s still here. He hasn’t moved one single inch away. He’s coming every step of the way.